Better than science fiction is the trans magic of my chest…

Better than science fiction, is the trans magic of my chest- made more mine by top surgery and tattoos, but still always handled with care and distance. We had to get real acquainted, at the first lactation appointment before our kiddo even arrived, gloved hands helped me understand the map of asymmetrical scar tissue pooling in my armpits.

 I went in wanting to know how to safely manage lactation postpartum post top (keyhole) surgery and left with the tools for a glimmer of possibility. We found two generous donors of human milk that would be the main source of our kiddos food, but I wanted our kid to be as protected as possible and had read about the genius of human milk

The plan was to give our baby colostrum and then be done–but our lactation consultant was a dream, fighting alongside us with so many types of tubing, tape and tongue exercises for the baby.

So we invented–nipples became magic buttons, and the at-chest supplementor earned the name “juice box” for the satisfying sound it makes as the last drops of donor milk get sucked out. And I found it kind of magical, though never comfortable. Our donor milk had to be poured into this tiny plastic sack that hung like a necklace from a nylon cord around our necks. Each had a stopper and straw with a teeny tiny delicate tube that came out the bottom of the back and could be taped to my chest and guided by hand into our baby’s mouth.

 So feeding went something like this- each day we pre-made about four to six juice boxes, as well as four to six regular bottles, focusing on juice box during the day and bottles at night when we couldn’t open our eyes enough to struggle with the many steps. Warm juice box in bottle warmer, clip to its nylon and string it around your neck, tape the tube just so pointing out from the nipple. Slip a tiny tube into their mouth before they latch. Because of my top surgery, I also had to squeeze a sandwich out of my chest tissue to give the baby something to latch to. This process required at least three to four hands—but it was worth it.

-Ty Marshall