Growing our family through fostering-to-adopt

Now, after having learned so much through this journey, feel uncomfortable with just about every part of it. When we started, I think our thinking was that neither of us had any real desire to be pregnant (and if we're really honest, mostly thought "ew" haha!), that we think there are way too many people on the earth already, and that it didn't make sense for us to add any more. We figured that math added up to it making more sense for us to provide a home and a family to the many kids who needed it in the foster care system (according to their stats anyway). And we thought we'd do it "right" -- we believe in open adoption and connection to first / birth family, we have a deeply queer understanding of family that isn't necessarily about blood or DNA, etc. So we started the process - classes, home study, social workers - and then waited. And waited. And waited. I think nearly three years?

What we learned along the way is that, yes, there are a lot of kids in the system who need a home -- but that's in large part because the system is broken and removes them from homes they know or supports foster parents instead of parents who are unhoused or struggling with addiction or mental health challenges. And that most kids in the system have a family, of course, but some (usually white middle class) power-that-be has decided that that family isn't equipped to raise them. And that broken systems and ridiculous bureaucracy abandon and demonize first families, leave kids to languish in foster care, and, yes, can result in three years of an open foster family with no placement, even when there are kids who need somewhere to go. 

We knew all this to some degree going in, but I don't think we fully understood the complexities or our complicity in this system until we were in it. It is a dizzying, confusing roller coaster of a thing to love your babies AND feel guilty for raising them, to hope and pray they stay with you AND agonize over their birth family's heartbreak, to know that your home might be the best and safest option for them right now AND know that that might look different if their mom had gotten the support she needed, to live constantly in the present because you have no idea how long they will stay AND try to create safety, stability, and a sense of family. It's one big "yes and" exercise and it's imperative to start from the position that foster care is trauma, adoption is trauma, AND that the families that are built out of them can also be an incredibly beautiful journey.

~Anonymous